seal it with a kiss.

teach me ever to adore thee...


o to grace how great a debtor
daily im constrained to thee
let thy goodness, like a fetter
bind my wandering heart to thee

prone to wander Lord I feel it
prone to leave the God I love

here's my heart
take and seal it
seal it for thy courts above



Here's my heart, Lord.  Take and seal it.

Here, there, everywhere.

I miss India.

A lot.

I miss the heat and being in the constant state of sweat. I miss the dirt roads and my feet caked in dust after being outside for like 2 minutes. I miss never knowing where I was going but not being afraid to just walk and find out. I miss running across the street with no guarantee that you were going to make it in one piece to the other side. I miss grabbing my newly made friends' hands as we hurried across the street. I miss never knowing where to rest my gaze, there was always too much around me, too much to look at it, too much to take in. I miss the deep eyes of the people, that pierced right through you and at the same time were as vast and open as the ocean. I miss adventure, like jumping on the back of a  cute Indian guy's motorcycle and not knowing where we were going but not really caring, as the wind tossed my hair and the dust on the street stung my eyes, and jumping cliff to cliff as we climbed hills to overlook the city. I miss feeling completely out of control, like not knowing what could possibly be done to help, and knowing that helping doesn't always mean fixing problems.. and realizing that I don't even understand what a 'need' truly is.  I miss the feeling of resting in Jesus' arms, and literally only stepping where he leads. I miss holding the hands of children and laughing with the elders who have missing teeth. I miss learning so much that I realize I don't know a thing. I miss the feeling of having absolutely no other option but to let go. I miss the simplicity of the every day. I miss the toilets... or lack there of. I miss the food- the dahls, dosa, tea, poori, parota, naan, idli (pretty sure I misspelled every single one of those). My mouth is watering. I miss the smells, the good ones, the foul ones, the stuffy ones, the fresh ones. I miss it all... I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I miss feeling at home.

and then this song played.. "home, let me come home. Home is wherever I'm with you... home is when I'm in love with You." Oh. Home is anywhere, its everywhere. Its wherever I'm with You. So maybe this has nothing to do with whether I'm here or there. Maybe... its got everything to do with you. Maybe.. its just You.

"Cause if you want it bad enough, you won't stop until you get it"

Humans, we try so damn hard to be good (thanks for the great quote Dad). Sin its not about doing something that breaks the law, its about breaking the heart of Jesus. Jesus came and freed us from the law, showing us we don't have to try to be anything, because right now, you are already enough. If Jesus were to walk into the library right now, He would come up to me and take my hand- and smile, because I am Allyssa, because I am here with Him. His love in my life is more real than I acknowledge. Its powerful. Dear Jesus, may I sit in your presence., may I lay at your feet and stop trying to run towards emptiness. But may I sit just at your feet. I am not strong enough to do this on my own. I need your forgiveness. I need your hand. I need You. Just You.

the unexpected.

so i'm back. i put together a little slideshow with some of the pictures and my three favorite songs that i listened to during the trip... and i spent forever trying to get it to load on here but I can't figure it out right now, and now I'm tired and needing to go to sleep so I will figure it out another time... but soon.

I think I may continue writing on this blog, because I don't think India will stop changing my life just because I don't happen to be there for the time being. So, I think I will still write.

So... I knew India was going to be incredible and I didn't doubt that it was going to be an amazing experience, but I wasn't expect to fall in love with myself. For the first time, when I look in the mirror, I see beauty. I have never been able to say that before. And this caught me completely off guard. But you know what they say, it happens when you least expect it. I finally stopped trying to pick up all of the broken pieces and Jesus continues to fill in all of the empty spaces. He accepts my heart exactly as it is, today, right now, and His love is changing me. He's taken over everything, when I look at my heart, all I can see is Him, and its beautiful. My brokenness and complete imperfection is beauty because that is where Jesus overcomes, "For when I am weak, then I am strong". And all of a sudden it makes sense, it doesn't stop with me, I am not the end all, I don't have the answers. I will continue to doubt, experience pain, make a million and a half mistakes and stupid choices, my faith will be weak and fail me all throughout my life... but Jesus never changes. He will always remain. Truth will always remain. No matter what may happen in life, Jesus does not change. This does not come back to us, our perspective, our faith.. it goes back to Jesus, which is why this is everlasting, which is why we can put our full complete hope in Him. It really is this remarkable love story. This is no religion we follow, there are no rules or rights and wrongs that make us worthy- that will always fail us because it comes back to us, and what we can do to be 'better', to be accepted, to be worthy of love, to be wanted. But we are wanted just because Jesus loves us. We are already enough, and broken! Its time to stop trying to be something or stop trying to live life a certain way that we see as "acceptable" and start falling in love. Lets live each day for this love and be giddy knowing that we are part of the greatest love story, in fact its the one that our hearts cry for in the deepest parts of our being... the one that we try and silence day to day just so we can make it through, because we want this so bad, its almost painful to face. But, lets be courageous, lets face it. Lets give in. Let's be free- that is Jesus calling- to join in this never ending dance with Him. Let's let ourselves twirl and spin and dip.. and just know you are the most beautiful one on the dance floor, because you are in Jesus's arms.. and in Him there is nothing but beauty.

Ohh..

I spoke too soon.
I know nothing of suffering...

I went to a leprosy clinic yesterday.

It was the first time I have ever seen a lepre. Their hands were mangled and their feet were falling apart. They had sores and ulcers all over their skin. And the most honest way I can describe these men... is beautiful. I looked at them and they put their hands together and greeted me with their eyes and slight head wobble, and instantly I thought- I know nothing of suffering. But of one thing I was convinced- the beauty in their hands and feet demonstrated the beauty that Jesus sees in our brokeness. Their deformed hands were Jesus to me that day. It made all of those bible stories that much more real- Jesus holding and healing and being with the lepres. We all know the feeling of a mangled and deformed heart, sometimes we can feel like the scum of the earth, like we don't deserve to be seen... and all Jesus sees when He looks at our broken hearts is beauty. And I realized, that is all that I can give to Jesus. Just as these men could only offer a greeting with their mangled hands, I can only lay down my mangled heart to Jesus. And if I could receive the beauty in their bodies, imagine how much more Jesus sees the beauty in us. Wow. I am not my own.



At Sri Ramachandra Hospital, there is also a Nursing and Medical School here. This week is their cultural week. They had American dance on Wednesday night, American song last night, and tonight is Indian dance. The students put on performances every night and the whole college attends... it was like my high school homecoming aseembly multiplied by a thousand. Let me just say- Indians know how to party. And they get funky. For real. We had so much fun watching their dance performances and they are so good! They danced to all of the American hip hop songs, including but not limited to- No Air, Cooler Than Me, Replay, and many more. It was awesome. Seriously the women here know how to shake and drop it like its hot, us American girls got nothing on them. haha. Some of the dance teams were absolutely incredible, they should be professional.. and they were all Nursing and Medical Students! After all the groups preformed on stage- complete with a full light show, smoke machine, and music so loud I lost some of my hearing afterwards, they had a dance party. So all 700 students and us 10 white kids danced. We were in the middle of the floor dancing and having a good ol time, and when we looked up the ENTIRE room was watching us, with the spotlight, AND video camera on us (we found out later the show was broadcasted on the local television). I seriously have not laughed that hard in a long time- all these nerdy white kids crashing the Indians Cultural Week. hahaha. It was so much fun.

Then last night, we (me and 5 other students) took a taxi into down town Chennai to do some shopping. When it was time to come back to the Hospital campus that night, we decided it would be a brilliant idea to take the city bus instead of a taxi since it would be cheaper. Well, we have no idea which bus to take so we jump on the first one we see (and I literally mean jump, the buses barely stop, you just kind of run along side the bus and jump in... and you have like 2 in x 2in of space to stand in, yeah its a little crowded). Then when we were on the bus the people told us it was the wrong one, so when the bus slowed down a little bit we all jumped off and ran to the side of the road dodging the seventy-million motorcycles that decided to swarm the road at that point. Only to see everyone on the bus waving us back on saying that this wasnt a bus stop, so we all ran and jumped back on... and then got off at the next stop. So we are walking along side the road looking for an auto (also called took took, rickshaw.. bascially this small cubby thing with three wheels that sits three people).. we eventurally found one and we crammed 7 people in one. We were all sitting on each others lap and got on the road.. and were sitting in traffic for 2 hours. If you thought traffic in New York was bad... yeah visit Chennai (I hear Mumbai is worse fyi). Since the wait in traffic was so bad at one point, one of the girls in the auto saw a fruit stand and she was like ooo i want some apples. Of course I was the one on the end, so I jumped out of the auto, ran across the street, gave the fruit guy way too much money for two apples, and ran back into the auto. Everyone on the road was laughing at us because we were all freakin and I definitely had plenty of time to get back in the auto haha. Anyway, it was crazy and so fun. But we decided thats the last time we try and "wing it" getting back from the city.

Tonight is the Indian Dance at the Cultural Festival. Some of the nursing students are coming to get us.. We hear its going to be a huge party with lots of dancing. Haha... o India.

Thank you so much for prayers and support. Love you!

Live.

So people suffer. We all have pain in our lives. Everyone of us knows what it feels like to have a broken heart. For some of us its a lost love, maybe abuse, maybe watching your child die in a hospital bed, maybe not being able to feed your family- whether you're a rural farmer with no crop or a business man in Chicago that can't find a job. Maybe you had a rough childhood with an abusive father, maybe you never had a father, maybe hunger pains keep you awake at night, maybe your empty bed from your runaway husband keeps you awake... whatever it is, we all hurt. Pain makes us human. You cannot be human and experience life without pain. It is one thing that binds us all together- as a human you will have pain in your life. You have to embrace that and accept that. You cannot first understand love without suffering and loss. We must remember this- we all have a story. There are great things that make up our story and there are terrible, traumatic, and disheartening things that also write our story- every single one of our stories have both of these elements. You have to face them all. You have to embrace every part of your story... but remembering that the events that happen in your life- they are not your burdens to carry. Yes, we must accept our stories, while remembering they do not define us. I think this is absolutely crucial. We can learn from and accept our whole selves without bearing the weight of life. Because lets be real, life is hard.. and pain sucks. a lot. And as long as we are breathing, we will experience pain. So how do we go on in life knowing this? That we cannot escape the human condition- suffering. Well thats where this whole love story comes in. Falling in love requires humility, vulnerability, and a willingness to be known. A willingness to be known. We don't like to be vulnerable, well I will speak for myself, I dont like to be vulnerable. It is scary. Letting people see my true self means they will know that life isnt perfect, I have made mistakes and done things in life that would label me as unworthy and unloveable, in fact I have believed those things for a long time. This is because I carried my mistakes- lets just call them sins, and carried the wrong that has been done unto me- lets just call that unforgiveness a sin while we are at it... those happenstances or choices in my life defined me. And I couldn't let them go- I thought I was the only who could carry them, it was my weight to carry... but what about that one verse? It goes something like- come to me for my burden is light (wow I actually don't know what the exact verse is but I hope youre following haha). As Jesus has pursued me, this verse has become more relevant. I mean, this is a huge part of the cross. Jesus came here and suffered for me so I wouldn't have to. He died for me because He wants me. And I started to see something- maybe my story doesn't define me.. maybe Jesus does. Maybe, who I am has nothing to do with what has happened in my life, not to say we can just disregard and disconnect ourselves from our experiences because they build our story and our story will be with us for the rest of our lives... but I started to see that maybe who I am is just this- a being that is completely and wholly loved and known and wanted. A being that is sought after and fought for. I am wanted. I am loved. I am beautiful.
I dont really have this whole thing worked out quite yet. I don't think I ever will have it worked out actually. But I do know this and am more certain and convinced of this than ever before- our hearts long for Jesus. We were created to love and be loved. And the only place our hearts find that true true love that our deepest parts of our soul long for- is in Jesus. Whether you are Muslim, Hindu, Christian, a rich white man, a lost orphan, an abused wife, a king, a budhist, an atheist... whoever you are, you cannot deny the deep desire to be loved and known and wanted. And you cannot deny that there is no escape from pain on this earth and that deep down we cannot find true satisfaction on this earth. The answer does not lie within.
I am learning this-
Doubt your doubts and hold onto truth. Hold on to truth with absolutely everything you have within you.
Dont be afraid to believe.
Don't be afraid to embrace your story and be honest about your pain. And then don't stop there.
Dont be afraid to not carry your burdens. Let go.
Let yourself be pursued. Let your heart be vulnerable. Share your life with Jesus. Let Him hold your heart, He knows how to keep it safe and kindle it.
And lastly I am learning this..
Live. Jump over a crevasse to a cliff, hold a dying child's hand, share your struggles with someone, walk away from a man who doesn't see your beauty and your worth, stop getting drunk every weekend to escape feeling lonely, sing in front of a lot of people, run across a street in India (let me tell you it's actually quite a thrill because the driving here is RIDICULOUS). Just live. Know yourself. And walk on.

I am learning what it means to fall in love. To fall in love with Jesus. Everyday. I have shared this lyric a lot but it keeps replaying in my head over and over "I am not my own, for I have been made new. Please don't let me go, I desperately need You." I doubt, a lot, I hurt, I laugh, I cry, I get angry, I get excited, I get disappointed and let down.... and He remains. No matter what happens I know this- I am loved. I am not my own. Life is going to blow at times. Jesus is greater than it all. He is greater than it all. You know that means? We get to dance because we are free.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

"In this life you will have troubles, but take heart, for I have overcome this world."

I don't really have complete thoughts and not sure how to wrap this up... thank you for praying for the people of India. As I hold the hands of these little children and share tea with the women in the villages, I just keep singing to Jesus- Your heart will kindle our hearts.

Rainfall.

For the whole morning, I held a 9 year boy in my lap, he laid his head on my chest and held my hand... he had cancer and a tumor the size of a tennis ball on the back of his head, with a backwards nike cap on his head to cover it. He was so sweet, he held my hand and walked back and forth in the ward, and then when he was tired he wanted to lay in my lap and we watched Tom and Jerry together. He was beautiful. I felt as if I was touching an angel, as silly as that may sound, its so true. There really aren't words you can say about a little boy like that, so I won't try. He is a gift.
Then I went into another child's room, and he suffered from an electrical burn.. he lost his left arm and his toes on his right foot. He is 15. I don't really know where to put that in my brain, so I just let it be. It is what it is. People suffer. "... and the Lord will wipe away every tear.."

Tonight, it randomly started POURING rain, like I have never felt it rain so hard in my entire life... so naturally we dropped everything and ran outside. Annnd I am now completely soaked. haha. Live.

Tomorrow we leave for the jungle. We are going on a safari and then going white water rafting. Im excited. Then after that, we are going to Chennai to stay at the Hindu hospital for the second half of the trip, Sri Ramachandra University. There is very limited internet access there so I don't know if I will be able to do much blogging from here on out. Thank you so much for supporting me and praying for me.

I dont want to leave this place. There is so much to learn, so much to experience. There is a strange comfort about this place... I know I will be back. That is the only thing that makes it okay pack up and go... I know I will be back. In the words of Alanis Morsete (err spelling?), Thank you, India.

...and to You be the glory forever and ever. Amen.