Sunday, December 19, 2010

"..on my mind.."

Forgive me lover
For I have sinned
For I have done you wrong
For I have hurt
Beyond repair
When tears occurred
No I didn’t care
Forgive me lover
For I have sinned
For I have loved you wrong
But this estranged organ in my chest
Still beats for you
It will not rest, so
Meet me in our secret place
When the time has come
And rest your head
In my lap
And I’ll lead you out of your own trap
And I’ll show you how much
You have missed through the
Time we weren’t right
So forgive me lover
For I have sinned
For I have let you go
But You’ve been every now and then on my mind yeah
Every now and then on my mind yeah
On my mind


--The Swell Season

Monday, December 13, 2010

Jai Ho

my stomach may be in knots, I may feel tired and lonely, I may feel unsure or unsettled, I may doubt and question and fight, I may want to turn around, I may feel weak and confused, I may not understand or still be unconvinced... But i stepped. I didn't stay put. And that's when the adventure ensues. Living for something greater than my own heart, my own feelings or experiences.. believing, trusting that there is something out there greater than myself. Embracing my insignificance and futility- letting go of self preservation. not only looking through the world with my own eyes- my perspective is jacked, my eyes can only see me in the world... and its so much greater than that. maybe, my feelings aren't the end of the world, maybe thats not the guiding force... maybe theres something more to live by.. to live for, than just how an experience can feel, how much more I can prove my significance, value, or worth... I will always come up short, it will never enough. this world was not created to prove my worth, i was not created and put in this world to find significance here- i will always fall short. as far as this world goes, i will never be enough, i will always sin, temptations will win, selfishness will consume me, pride will guide me --> this life/adventure/journey does not start and end with me. I don't live to be great, what a wasteful effort, simply, i'm just not. I can't live this life waiting for my heart to be fixed, I can't keep waiting until I find the strength to stop being tempted and giving in to sin.. it's not going to happen. I am broken. I will always sin. I will fall short and fail, always. And that is what brings me to my knees when Jesus looks at me and sees all this and then... died for me. What is there to die for? Why? Because he loves me. He has overcome the broken heart, the sin, the temptations, selfishness, and pride.. He has overcome. He is the victory. He holds my broken heart and whispers, "Jai Ho- Victory to thee. Victory to thee because you are mine. Victory to thee because I have done for you what you cannot do for yourself. I have won, I have overcome what you are unable to overcome. I have fought and won the battle that you would have lost, I have conquered that which would have destroyed you, I have overcome what you would have succumbed to. I am your victory. Hold onto me. Victory to thee. Surrender your heart. Victory to thee. Live for me. Victory to thee." I live for greatness, for overcoming, for victory. I was found, fought for, wanted and loved. Jai Ho.

To those who are afraid for tomorrow,
To those who have lost love,
who have been taken from,
who have taken,
To those that are far from home,
To those suffering,
To those remaining in silence,
Jai Ho.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Honesty and Forgiveness = Healing

I think honesty and forgiveness are the key to healing.

Honesty. To be able to even begin to heal, grow, move on, we have to be honest about the pain, the experience, the choices we've made, the regrets we have, the temptations we have succumbed to, the temptations we want to succumb to, our weakness, our frailty.. our sin. We have to go there. There cannot be complete healing without honesty. Honesty requires humility, it requires exposure. There are a couple lyrics running through my head- "That secret that you know, that you don't know how to tell.. it f's with your honor, and it teases your head" -Bon Iver, and a One Republic song that goes "..Till my sleeves are stained red, from all the truth that I've said... I'm gonna give all my secrets away.." I like that imagery, because honesty gets messy, bloody, it does. Hiding can work for a little while, sure, it allows you to continue doing whatever is you want and no one else knows.. it almost makes it less real because you are the only one experiencing it. Secrets can almost be kind of a thrill sometimes, it can feel like power almost because you have total control of what parts of your life the rest of the world knows. It makes you feel like well, you're in control. I am who I create myself to appear to be. I am who I want them to see. But the truth is, thats not power at all, its fear. Its fear, insecurities, pride. All that is, is a scared little girl, afraid of being known, ashamed of who she is, succumbing to the flesh, giving into selfishness and pride. Its fear, and its binding. The complete opposite of power. When you are hiding, living with secrets, you are not living at all. You are completely controlled by fear, by lies. That. Is. Darkness. Honesty, is that one flame that sheds light on the darkness, that exposes all that is hidden. It smites fear. Its smites pride. (Smite- 1. strike with a firm blow; 2. defeat or conquer). The hardest part is striking that match, is setting ablaze that which is unknown. But once the flame is lit, it burns with ferocity. Honesty exposes all. There is so much freedom in being known. Deceit, pride, sin, has no power over you. Its like that one little pebble that is holding back that huge waterfall trying to flow, and once that little pebble is removed, that huuuuuge gush of water breaks through and flows freely, clearing everything in its path. So here's what I would say, speak. Tell someone. Grab your daddy's hand, a friend, and be known. Don't let fear beat you, you are stronger than that, you are better than that. Fight it. Don't give into those voices telling you to keep your secrets. Sing with me "I'm gonna give all my secrets away".

K. So now we've confessed (apologies for the dramatic word but thats exactly what it is- confession. Its like the purest freshest glass of water you could have after way too much time in the desert). No more secrets. We're naked on the platform, sure theres one way to put it haha. Now what? Well, here's the bitch.. forgiveness. Forgiveness for those that may have wronged you or hurt you and.. forgiveness for yourself. This is when we let go. If we do not forgive, we only continue to carry the burden. We carry the pain, we carry the sin, we carry the hurt. It will be written on the tablet of our heart because unforgiveness has a firm grip. Like secrets, unforgiveness will guide your life, determine your footsteps, it will rule you. Forgiveness equals coming to terms with the fact that we are broken. Forgiving others is letting go of the wrong that has been done unto you. That hurts. We don't get to hold that over the other person's head anymore. We don't get to look at them with hateful eyes, we don't get to push our pain on them.. we have to own it. Owe. Then, when we need forgiveness, now thats humbling. That requires us seeing ourselves for what we are- human. We are not good, we don't have anything figured out, we are not righteous, we are just.. human. If we stay stuck at beating ourselves up, we never get past the sin- we are still letting it have power over us.. its still coming back to us. Forgiveness can only be found at the foot of the cross. We can't conjure that up, that requires complete surrender. O that word.. surrender. It can be hard to swallow, but it is life.

"All to Jesus I surrender;
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now."

Worldly pleasures all forsaken, take me Jesus, take me now. Forgiveness requires letting go- surrendering.

I am frail. I am weak. I am broken. I am a sinner.

Then there's Jesus. 

Thursday, December 9, 2010

re:

people come and go out of our lives, and i will be easily let go of and forgotten by most. in fact in a few generations, my name won't even be spoken of.

but thousands of years ago, a man died for me. he died for me. He died for me because he wanted me. Before I was even born. Time is of no essence. He wants me. He will not leave me, no matter how much time may pass, no matter how much distance may separate us, no matter how many times i run, no matter how many times i hide, no matter how many times i forget... He will always be right here, wanting me... I think i just discovered freedom.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

My Sweet Jesus.

My Sweet Jesus

Hold me,
For my quivering legs can't support me any longer.
Make still my heart,
For its racing beat won't last.
Stroke my head,
For my mind just wont stop running.
Take my hand,
For this loneliness is consuming.
Lead me,
For I am only stumbling along this path.

My Dear Jesus.

Let me embrace you,
For I am searching for affection.
Let me touch your face,
For I want to know this is real.
Let me grab onto your hand,
For I'm longing for a connection.
Let me see your smile,
For I want to feel.
Let me hear your voice,
For this silence is drowning.

My Precious Jesus.

Take my heart.
Hold it dear to your own.
For I am discovering it cannot
Carry on without you.
As I lay at the foot of the cross,
I entrust it to you.
Take it in your hands
So it may always seek You.
Your heart will forever cherish
my heart.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

give me Jesus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-N3KPA9ltQE&feature=related

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I am alone
When I am alone
When I am alone, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

When I come to die
When I come to die
When I come to die, give me Jesus

Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
But give me Jesus

Friday, October 29, 2010

seal it with a kiss.

teach me ever to adore thee...


o to grace how great a debtor
daily im constrained to thee
let thy goodness, like a fetter
bind my wandering heart to thee

prone to wander Lord I feel it
prone to leave the God I love

here's my heart
take and seal it
seal it for thy courts above



Here's my heart, Lord.  Take and seal it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Here, there, everywhere.

I miss India.

A lot.

I miss the heat and being in the constant state of sweat. I miss the dirt roads and my feet caked in dust after being outside for like 2 minutes. I miss never knowing where I was going but not being afraid to just walk and find out. I miss running across the street with no guarantee that you were going to make it in one piece to the other side. I miss grabbing my newly made friends' hands as we hurried across the street. I miss never knowing where to rest my gaze, there was always too much around me, too much to look at it, too much to take in. I miss the deep eyes of the people, that pierced right through you and at the same time were as vast and open as the ocean. I miss adventure, like jumping on the back of a  cute Indian guy's motorcycle and not knowing where we were going but not really caring, as the wind tossed my hair and the dust on the street stung my eyes, and jumping cliff to cliff as we climbed hills to overlook the city. I miss feeling completely out of control, like not knowing what could possibly be done to help, and knowing that helping doesn't always mean fixing problems.. and realizing that I don't even understand what a 'need' truly is.  I miss the feeling of resting in Jesus' arms, and literally only stepping where he leads. I miss holding the hands of children and laughing with the elders who have missing teeth. I miss learning so much that I realize I don't know a thing. I miss the feeling of having absolutely no other option but to let go. I miss the simplicity of the every day. I miss the toilets... or lack there of. I miss the food- the dahls, dosa, tea, poori, parota, naan, idli (pretty sure I misspelled every single one of those). My mouth is watering. I miss the smells, the good ones, the foul ones, the stuffy ones, the fresh ones. I miss it all... I guess what I'm trying to say is.. I miss feeling at home.

and then this song played.. "home, let me come home. Home is wherever I'm with you... home is when I'm in love with You." Oh. Home is anywhere, its everywhere. Its wherever I'm with You. So maybe this has nothing to do with whether I'm here or there. Maybe... its got everything to do with you. Maybe.. its just You.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

"Cause if you want it bad enough, you won't stop until you get it"

Humans, we try so damn hard to be good (thanks for the great quote Dad). Sin its not about doing something that breaks the law, its about breaking the heart of Jesus. Jesus came and freed us from the law, showing us we don't have to try to be anything, because right now, you are already enough. If Jesus were to walk into the library right now, He would come up to me and take my hand- and smile, because I am Allyssa, because I am here with Him. His love in my life is more real than I acknowledge. Its powerful. Dear Jesus, may I sit in your presence., may I lay at your feet and stop trying to run towards emptiness. But may I sit just at your feet. I am not strong enough to do this on my own. I need your forgiveness. I need your hand. I need You. Just You.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

the unexpected.

so i'm back. i put together a little slideshow with some of the pictures and my three favorite songs that i listened to during the trip... and i spent forever trying to get it to load on here but I can't figure it out right now, and now I'm tired and needing to go to sleep so I will figure it out another time... but soon.

I think I may continue writing on this blog, because I don't think India will stop changing my life just because I don't happen to be there for the time being. So, I think I will still write.

So... I knew India was going to be incredible and I didn't doubt that it was going to be an amazing experience, but I wasn't expect to fall in love with myself. For the first time, when I look in the mirror, I see beauty. I have never been able to say that before. And this caught me completely off guard. But you know what they say, it happens when you least expect it. I finally stopped trying to pick up all of the broken pieces and Jesus continues to fill in all of the empty spaces. He accepts my heart exactly as it is, today, right now, and His love is changing me. He's taken over everything, when I look at my heart, all I can see is Him, and its beautiful. My brokenness and complete imperfection is beauty because that is where Jesus overcomes, "For when I am weak, then I am strong". And all of a sudden it makes sense, it doesn't stop with me, I am not the end all, I don't have the answers. I will continue to doubt, experience pain, make a million and a half mistakes and stupid choices, my faith will be weak and fail me all throughout my life... but Jesus never changes. He will always remain. Truth will always remain. No matter what may happen in life, Jesus does not change. This does not come back to us, our perspective, our faith.. it goes back to Jesus, which is why this is everlasting, which is why we can put our full complete hope in Him. It really is this remarkable love story. This is no religion we follow, there are no rules or rights and wrongs that make us worthy- that will always fail us because it comes back to us, and what we can do to be 'better', to be accepted, to be worthy of love, to be wanted. But we are wanted just because Jesus loves us. We are already enough, and broken! Its time to stop trying to be something or stop trying to live life a certain way that we see as "acceptable" and start falling in love. Lets live each day for this love and be giddy knowing that we are part of the greatest love story, in fact its the one that our hearts cry for in the deepest parts of our being... the one that we try and silence day to day just so we can make it through, because we want this so bad, its almost painful to face. But, lets be courageous, lets face it. Lets give in. Let's be free- that is Jesus calling- to join in this never ending dance with Him. Let's let ourselves twirl and spin and dip.. and just know you are the most beautiful one on the dance floor, because you are in Jesus's arms.. and in Him there is nothing but beauty.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Ohh..

I spoke too soon.
I know nothing of suffering...

I went to a leprosy clinic yesterday.

It was the first time I have ever seen a lepre. Their hands were mangled and their feet were falling apart. They had sores and ulcers all over their skin. And the most honest way I can describe these men... is beautiful. I looked at them and they put their hands together and greeted me with their eyes and slight head wobble, and instantly I thought- I know nothing of suffering. But of one thing I was convinced- the beauty in their hands and feet demonstrated the beauty that Jesus sees in our brokeness. Their deformed hands were Jesus to me that day. It made all of those bible stories that much more real- Jesus holding and healing and being with the lepres. We all know the feeling of a mangled and deformed heart, sometimes we can feel like the scum of the earth, like we don't deserve to be seen... and all Jesus sees when He looks at our broken hearts is beauty. And I realized, that is all that I can give to Jesus. Just as these men could only offer a greeting with their mangled hands, I can only lay down my mangled heart to Jesus. And if I could receive the beauty in their bodies, imagine how much more Jesus sees the beauty in us. Wow. I am not my own.



At Sri Ramachandra Hospital, there is also a Nursing and Medical School here. This week is their cultural week. They had American dance on Wednesday night, American song last night, and tonight is Indian dance. The students put on performances every night and the whole college attends... it was like my high school homecoming aseembly multiplied by a thousand. Let me just say- Indians know how to party. And they get funky. For real. We had so much fun watching their dance performances and they are so good! They danced to all of the American hip hop songs, including but not limited to- No Air, Cooler Than Me, Replay, and many more. It was awesome. Seriously the women here know how to shake and drop it like its hot, us American girls got nothing on them. haha. Some of the dance teams were absolutely incredible, they should be professional.. and they were all Nursing and Medical Students! After all the groups preformed on stage- complete with a full light show, smoke machine, and music so loud I lost some of my hearing afterwards, they had a dance party. So all 700 students and us 10 white kids danced. We were in the middle of the floor dancing and having a good ol time, and when we looked up the ENTIRE room was watching us, with the spotlight, AND video camera on us (we found out later the show was broadcasted on the local television). I seriously have not laughed that hard in a long time- all these nerdy white kids crashing the Indians Cultural Week. hahaha. It was so much fun.

Then last night, we (me and 5 other students) took a taxi into down town Chennai to do some shopping. When it was time to come back to the Hospital campus that night, we decided it would be a brilliant idea to take the city bus instead of a taxi since it would be cheaper. Well, we have no idea which bus to take so we jump on the first one we see (and I literally mean jump, the buses barely stop, you just kind of run along side the bus and jump in... and you have like 2 in x 2in of space to stand in, yeah its a little crowded). Then when we were on the bus the people told us it was the wrong one, so when the bus slowed down a little bit we all jumped off and ran to the side of the road dodging the seventy-million motorcycles that decided to swarm the road at that point. Only to see everyone on the bus waving us back on saying that this wasnt a bus stop, so we all ran and jumped back on... and then got off at the next stop. So we are walking along side the road looking for an auto (also called took took, rickshaw.. bascially this small cubby thing with three wheels that sits three people).. we eventurally found one and we crammed 7 people in one. We were all sitting on each others lap and got on the road.. and were sitting in traffic for 2 hours. If you thought traffic in New York was bad... yeah visit Chennai (I hear Mumbai is worse fyi). Since the wait in traffic was so bad at one point, one of the girls in the auto saw a fruit stand and she was like ooo i want some apples. Of course I was the one on the end, so I jumped out of the auto, ran across the street, gave the fruit guy way too much money for two apples, and ran back into the auto. Everyone on the road was laughing at us because we were all freakin and I definitely had plenty of time to get back in the auto haha. Anyway, it was crazy and so fun. But we decided thats the last time we try and "wing it" getting back from the city.

Tonight is the Indian Dance at the Cultural Festival. Some of the nursing students are coming to get us.. We hear its going to be a huge party with lots of dancing. Haha... o India.

Thank you so much for prayers and support. Love you!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Live.

So people suffer. We all have pain in our lives. Everyone of us knows what it feels like to have a broken heart. For some of us its a lost love, maybe abuse, maybe watching your child die in a hospital bed, maybe not being able to feed your family- whether you're a rural farmer with no crop or a business man in Chicago that can't find a job. Maybe you had a rough childhood with an abusive father, maybe you never had a father, maybe hunger pains keep you awake at night, maybe your empty bed from your runaway husband keeps you awake... whatever it is, we all hurt. Pain makes us human. You cannot be human and experience life without pain. It is one thing that binds us all together- as a human you will have pain in your life. You have to embrace that and accept that. You cannot first understand love without suffering and loss. We must remember this- we all have a story. There are great things that make up our story and there are terrible, traumatic, and disheartening things that also write our story- every single one of our stories have both of these elements. You have to face them all. You have to embrace every part of your story... but remembering that the events that happen in your life- they are not your burdens to carry. Yes, we must accept our stories, while remembering they do not define us. I think this is absolutely crucial. We can learn from and accept our whole selves without bearing the weight of life. Because lets be real, life is hard.. and pain sucks. a lot. And as long as we are breathing, we will experience pain. So how do we go on in life knowing this? That we cannot escape the human condition- suffering. Well thats where this whole love story comes in. Falling in love requires humility, vulnerability, and a willingness to be known. A willingness to be known. We don't like to be vulnerable, well I will speak for myself, I dont like to be vulnerable. It is scary. Letting people see my true self means they will know that life isnt perfect, I have made mistakes and done things in life that would label me as unworthy and unloveable, in fact I have believed those things for a long time. This is because I carried my mistakes- lets just call them sins, and carried the wrong that has been done unto me- lets just call that unforgiveness a sin while we are at it... those happenstances or choices in my life defined me. And I couldn't let them go- I thought I was the only who could carry them, it was my weight to carry... but what about that one verse? It goes something like- come to me for my burden is light (wow I actually don't know what the exact verse is but I hope youre following haha). As Jesus has pursued me, this verse has become more relevant. I mean, this is a huge part of the cross. Jesus came here and suffered for me so I wouldn't have to. He died for me because He wants me. And I started to see something- maybe my story doesn't define me.. maybe Jesus does. Maybe, who I am has nothing to do with what has happened in my life, not to say we can just disregard and disconnect ourselves from our experiences because they build our story and our story will be with us for the rest of our lives... but I started to see that maybe who I am is just this- a being that is completely and wholly loved and known and wanted. A being that is sought after and fought for. I am wanted. I am loved. I am beautiful.
I dont really have this whole thing worked out quite yet. I don't think I ever will have it worked out actually. But I do know this and am more certain and convinced of this than ever before- our hearts long for Jesus. We were created to love and be loved. And the only place our hearts find that true true love that our deepest parts of our soul long for- is in Jesus. Whether you are Muslim, Hindu, Christian, a rich white man, a lost orphan, an abused wife, a king, a budhist, an atheist... whoever you are, you cannot deny the deep desire to be loved and known and wanted. And you cannot deny that there is no escape from pain on this earth and that deep down we cannot find true satisfaction on this earth. The answer does not lie within.
I am learning this-
Doubt your doubts and hold onto truth. Hold on to truth with absolutely everything you have within you.
Dont be afraid to believe.
Don't be afraid to embrace your story and be honest about your pain. And then don't stop there.
Dont be afraid to not carry your burdens. Let go.
Let yourself be pursued. Let your heart be vulnerable. Share your life with Jesus. Let Him hold your heart, He knows how to keep it safe and kindle it.
And lastly I am learning this..
Live. Jump over a crevasse to a cliff, hold a dying child's hand, share your struggles with someone, walk away from a man who doesn't see your beauty and your worth, stop getting drunk every weekend to escape feeling lonely, sing in front of a lot of people, run across a street in India (let me tell you it's actually quite a thrill because the driving here is RIDICULOUS). Just live. Know yourself. And walk on.

I am learning what it means to fall in love. To fall in love with Jesus. Everyday. I have shared this lyric a lot but it keeps replaying in my head over and over "I am not my own, for I have been made new. Please don't let me go, I desperately need You." I doubt, a lot, I hurt, I laugh, I cry, I get angry, I get excited, I get disappointed and let down.... and He remains. No matter what happens I know this- I am loved. I am not my own. Life is going to blow at times. Jesus is greater than it all. He is greater than it all. You know that means? We get to dance because we are free.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

"In this life you will have troubles, but take heart, for I have overcome this world."

I don't really have complete thoughts and not sure how to wrap this up... thank you for praying for the people of India. As I hold the hands of these little children and share tea with the women in the villages, I just keep singing to Jesus- Your heart will kindle our hearts.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Rainfall.

For the whole morning, I held a 9 year boy in my lap, he laid his head on my chest and held my hand... he had cancer and a tumor the size of a tennis ball on the back of his head, with a backwards nike cap on his head to cover it. He was so sweet, he held my hand and walked back and forth in the ward, and then when he was tired he wanted to lay in my lap and we watched Tom and Jerry together. He was beautiful. I felt as if I was touching an angel, as silly as that may sound, its so true. There really aren't words you can say about a little boy like that, so I won't try. He is a gift.
Then I went into another child's room, and he suffered from an electrical burn.. he lost his left arm and his toes on his right foot. He is 15. I don't really know where to put that in my brain, so I just let it be. It is what it is. People suffer. "... and the Lord will wipe away every tear.."

Tonight, it randomly started POURING rain, like I have never felt it rain so hard in my entire life... so naturally we dropped everything and ran outside. Annnd I am now completely soaked. haha. Live.

Tomorrow we leave for the jungle. We are going on a safari and then going white water rafting. Im excited. Then after that, we are going to Chennai to stay at the Hindu hospital for the second half of the trip, Sri Ramachandra University. There is very limited internet access there so I don't know if I will be able to do much blogging from here on out. Thank you so much for supporting me and praying for me.

I dont want to leave this place. There is so much to learn, so much to experience. There is a strange comfort about this place... I know I will be back. That is the only thing that makes it okay pack up and go... I know I will be back. In the words of Alanis Morsete (err spelling?), Thank you, India.



...and to You be the glory forever and ever. Amen.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Home.

For the past two days I was working with the nurses in the Community Health Department here at the School of Nursing. First of all, every single one of the nurses are remarkable. We walked out into the rural villages and went into the homes.. well huts of the people that the nurse was treating. Their houses were made of cement and mud walls with woven tree branches for a roof. They invited us in the home and served us tea (which was honestly the most incredible tea I've ever had in my entire life). Their home consisted of a kitchen, a prayer room (they were a Hindu family), and their bedroom, which we were standing in. They did not have much, but of course they offered to serve us dinner and gave us the tea. These people are just natural servers and givers. I feel that I am a naturally selfish person, my initial reaction is not to give all that I have so that I have nothing, of course, my gut reaction is to look out for myself... but these people like most innate reaction, is to give away and be sure their community (or complete strangers in this case) are cared for. Truly remarkable people. We thanked them for tea, and the grandma of the house grabbed my hand and looked in my eyes and smiled. I am a blessed young woman to be here and meet these people... I just feel like I am in a dream all the time.

...but that dream came to a rude awakening. This morning I was in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU). I spent the morning holding the hand and rubbing the head of a 12 year old boy who has muscular myopathy. He can't move his muscles at all, and therefore cannot breathe on his own. He is totally competent and can look write at you, but cannot move his body at all. He laid there and stared at me with tears falling down his cheeks... later the nurse told me, he missed his mama.

I thought I would share the mission statement of the Rural Unit of Heath and Social Affairs (part of CMC)...

Go the people
Love them
Live among them
Learn from them
Start with what they know
Build on what they ahve
But of the best leaders
when their task is accomplished
their work is done
the people all say
we have done it ourselves.

Yeah, these people are remarkable. I can't even explain how much there is to learn from this place.

On a bus ride from the city out into the rural villages, I was having a conversation with some friends from the program. We were talking about religion and different theologies, etc... and in the end all I could say to them about my life... of course with tears and all haha... is that I live my life as a love affair. When you are in love with someone, your life looks different, you are different. All I know is the greatest desire in me is to love and be loved, and the true desire that my heart longs for, the most innate desire at the core of who I am, is Jesus... and my heart can only long for Him, because He first chose me. I am loved. That is the most incredible thing one can know... I am loved. We are all wanted, He is in love with each of us. Wow.

On the bus today back form the hospital I was sitting next to my professor and she was telling me how when her and her husband were married, they lived in Japan, then India, and moved to the States for the first time for both of them in '98. So I was asking her if the States felt like home now.. and she said- well, my husband and i have made it a point in our lives to say, wherever we lay our head tonight is home.. that way we are always going home. It brought tears to my eyes and I said you are incredible. And she said to me- well, I see that is the way you live your life, Allyssa. Right away this song came to my head, its by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, the song goes- "Home, yes I am home. Home is wherever I'm with you." Jesus, home is wherever I'm with You... "I am not my own, for I have been made new, please don't let me go, I desperately need You." A friend asked me to describe this trip and experience in one word, and well I guess I would have to say... home.

Monday, September 6, 2010

beautiful.

The hospital we are working with, Christian Medical Center, Vellore, has a rural health clinic called RUHSA= Rural Unit for Health and Social Affairs... and its amazing. In fact the WHO models rural health after this unit. It was some of the most incredible health and community work i have heard of in my life. It was premiere health care, we have a lot to learn from them. I don't have time to write about some of the programs... just wanted to post some pictures. The clinic has smaller clinics in each of the surrounding villages, today we went and visited one of the village clinics specifically for elders in the community. Here are some photos. They were incredible. They sang, and danced, and even showed up some yoga they were learning. Nothing else to really say except.. beautiful...

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Climbing, Singing, and Photos.

This morning, the group all met outside our dorm house at 5 am (that sounds a lot more intense than it actually was, since India is 12.5 hrs ahead it feels like its 4:30 pm to us and I'm usually awake by 3 am here anyways so we were all wide awake and ready to go haha) to hike/scramble up a little cliff to see the sunrise over the city. It. Was. Incredible. So we hiked up up up, and then there was a little scramble that you could do to get to the very top... but there was a little crevasse that you had to get across to get to the scramble. One of the guys on the trip just kind of jogged a bit and jumped across and I was like o my gosh I am way too freaked out to jump across! ... so naturally I had to do it. So.. I strapped my backpack on tighter, got a little running  start, with shaking knees and my heart basically beating out of my chest, and jumped! Apparently I jumped a little more than I needed to and I came skidding across the other side, but I made it. And I have two bloody knees to prove it haha. So anyway I felt basically invincible after that. One of the girls videoed it I think, yesss.

So amazing. A picture really can't capture it at all.
Okay, theres the jump... now that I am looking at the picture you actually can't tell at all haha, but between the two rocks there was a gap and it was much bigger than this pictures shows, i promise, haha.
After I jumped!
Love it here.
feet.
Standing out on a rock enjoying the view.
:)

Then we were climbing back down and there was this Indian man chillin on a rock, definitely waiting for us. And he asked one of the girls to take a picture of him, and she was like uhhh sure. Then he asked if he could see the picture and she showed it to him and he reached out and tried to grab the camera from her hand, but she had it around her wrist and pulled it back. Then he just kind of stood there and we were all like uhhh awkward... then our professor told us to keep going down and she freakin ran after this dude, like jumping up the rocks, she is a beast. It was awesome. Love her.

We got back to campus and I was walking past the front desk to the stairs to go up to my room... and I turned the corner and one of the workers, he's probably our age, Indian, was playing I Surrender All and standing there singing along with it. It was like instant tears, sobbing actually. I walked up the stairs and stood at the landing so no one could see and listened to him sing, "All to Jesus I surrender, All to Him I freely give... All to Thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all." There really isn't much to say except that Jesus is just captivating. Its very moving seeing how He has captured the hearts of so many people. I thought I knew what it meant to give your whole self to Him, I really have no idea what that means. Worship has taken on a whole new meaning. To be completely consumed by His presence and give thanks to Him, I mean really be filled with thanksgiving. To let Him fill every part of your being and surrendering everything. Its beautiful, actually, I think that is when humans are most beautiful, when they are completely surrendered and captivated by His presence. Hmm.. my favorite song of all time fits perfectly right here
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WHbNC3ua7gg&feature=related
Take my heart.
Take my heart.
Kindle it with Your heart.
And my heart, cannot be
Kindled without You.
You're heart will kindle my heart.

Thank you Jesus, for being with all of our hearts. Whether we are unable to find clean water or a dry place to sleep, or our family is falling apart, we are losing our job, whatever is...  You remain. And we remain in You. Thank you for saving us and loving us. All of us and every part of us.

... all to Thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Day.. 2? ...i already lost track.

okay first off it is so freakin hot here.. and HUMID. i am constantly in a state of sweat...  multiple times throughout the day i feel sweat droplets fall down my back... disgusting im sorry but its just extremely humid. add on the long pants and long shirts we have to wear and you get extremely comfortable conditions (yes, thats sarcasm).

the chai tea is soooo good. its like 3 rupies which is like a cent, but its like 4 oz. haha. they make it soooo delicious, i wish every single one of you could have a cup right now. you'd all freak. i've had like 3 cups today.

there has been thunder tonight. i am scared of thunder.

our room is infested with ants. there is a gecko that likes to hang out on the ceiling right outside our room. im not exactly a fan. my roomate and i stomp around our room trying to kill all the ants before bed. its quite a scene. we feel powerful for destroying so many creatures. (not true, we are terrified of the tiny things, its a little pathetic).

okay. we went to the christian hospital today. absolutely incredible. i don't even know if i can remember everything to tell you but it was insanely overwhelming. CMC (the hospital) is one of the top leading hospitals in the world. it has a surgical unit, emergency, ICU, radiology, maternal, pediatrician, PT, OT, rehab, psych clinic and ward, outpatient services, inpatient services, nuclear medicine, cardiology clinic... and it leads india and the world in top care provided by nurses... they are like top of the line nurses. so this sounds amazing right? well walking through the campus you would have no idea that it was a top hospital in the world. it is dirty and unsanitary and there are people lying on the road all over campus with rotting injuries, and crap on the ground, and trash everywhere, and a well in the middle of campus with clean water and people in the community were lined up in huuuuge lines to get clean water. incredible to see. we toured through the hospital today and went through the different wards and departments. we walked into the pediatric casualty ward and right when we stepped in a mother ran in front of me holding her seizing child. he was hanging over her arms with has eyes rolled in the back of his head and was seizing, and his mother was running through the hospital to the pediatric trauma center. i didn't think i was going to be able to continue walking through the hospital. that about knocked me over. tears welled up in my eyes and we continued on. then we turned the corner into one of the outpatient wards and there were so many people we could barely walk through. so many people. there was a young girl holding her mentally challenged younger brother on the floor... and just so many sick people. we met with the dean of the nursing school and she said this hospital sees 10,000 people a day at the minimum. WOW. i think that was the most shocking, just the sheer numbers. there were so many people there. there are two types of hospitals in this country, the public hospitals that are government run (and crappy) and private hospitals. The private hospitals cost money and the public hospitals are completely free. but this hospital provides care for everyone no matter how much they can pay. and they give as good of care in the low cost effective areas as they do in the parts of the hospital that people pay to receive their care. you will find a disparity in the care, but its not due to the personnel, its because of the severe lack of resources in the low cost effective units. interesting. in fact, people come from all over to be treated by these nurses. they are that good.

so walking through seeing all of this disparity and hopelessness just because its like how could all of these people possibly be treated there are tooo many! and then all over the hospital they have these signs of scripture verses. i could barely hold it together. i took pictures of some but they were like.. (i don't remember where they were found in the bible, another girl wrote them down so i will have them)

the lord delights in you.

God will wipe away every tear

...okay i don't really remember a lot but they were awesome verses and very powerful especially in that setting. i will definitely look them up and share them with you.

tomorrow we are going to the department of infectious diseases. they teach a class on something (i don't remember specifically, something that has to do with infectious diseases) and its top in the world. one of the people who runs the department did some work with UW as well. i am very excited.

i need to remember to upload my pictures so i can put some up here. we have to go to the lecture hall or library and i keep forgetting to bring my camera. gahh. i will this weekend though i think we have some chill time.

alright. this morning i got up at 4:30 and showered thinking i was running late for breakfast... which is at 7. lets hope that doesn't happen again.

alright. so basically its been incredible. there is so much more to tell but my fingers are tired and my contacts are drying to my eyeballs. aka its time for bed.

i will write more WITH PICTURES!

thank you again for prayers.

:)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Arrival.

Okay, I just wrote out a post... and then the internet thing logged me out and I lost it all. Nope thats not annoying at all. Love it.

Alright I will try and remember what I wrote lets see here..

I arrived in India! Right when I stepped off the plane, I stopped, smelled the air, and couldn't help the tears from falling. It was just like yes, this is soooo India. I guess I didn't realize how much I love it here, just really love it. Right when we got into the terminal we were greeted by a huge painting that included something along the lines of- Do good but seek not the fruits of your labor. That is exactly what I was reading about in the bible on the plane. Do God's work, but remember, it is God's work, not the work of your own hands. We do not boast about our deeds or take pride in our work, we praise Jesus and give thanks to our Father because He is good and everything is and was and will be, because of Him. We have a good Daddy, a really really good one. Thank you bible and random painting in Chennai airport for the good words.
I love the smells here. Love.
The traffic is absolutely insane through the city. And there are so many cows. Pictures coming soon...
The place we are staying the first two weeks is amazing. Pictures also coming soon.
Top two songs of the day- My Jesus I Love Thee and This Is My Father's World.
Time for dinner... at 7... they eat rather late.. just a tad hungry.
Thank you all for your prayers, I am blessed to be so loved and supported by you.
I will leave you with the lyrics to one of the songs of the day.
Thank you. I will put pictures up soon with stories :)

 
My Jesus, I love thee, I know thou art mine; 
for thee all the follies of sin I resign. 
My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art thou; 
if ever I loved thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.  
 
I love thee because thou hast first loved me, 
and purchased my pardon on Calvary's tree; 
I love thee for wearing the thorns on thy brow; 
if ever I loved thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.  
 
In mansions of glory and endless delight; 
I'll ever adore thee in heaven so bright; 
I'll sing with the glittering crown on my brow; 
if ever I loved thee, my Jesus, 'tis now.  

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Captivated.

I leave for the airport in about 4 hours (Dad don't be mad that I'm still awake, I promise I will be out in the car on time in the morning :) Love you Daddy).
I am so excited.
(I'm scared.)
The song "Captivated" by Shawn McDonald has been on repeat all evening as I have been packing. "I am captivated by You."
Can't wait to share stories and pictures.
Ash and Ben came over to help me finish up packing. We thought it would be appropriate to include pictures, haha.
There's Ben in the mirror!
Ashtyn's tired. Thank you for all your help, I love you sis!

The next time I write I will be in India!
Thank you for your prayers. I have just been praying over and over that Jesus will be with the hearts of the people that we meet. I pray we will all be captivated by Him.
I'm hoping for non-turbulent plane rides, multiple mini packages of mixed nuts (or pretzels), and that the battery on my ipod lasts the entire 29 hrs of travel time! Crossing my fingers.
Namaste! :)